Thursday, December 12, 2013
Thank you to Proverbs 31 ministries ACH OBS for the picture!
Ok, so it has been a while since my last blog post! Sorry about that. I could try to come up with some lame excuses....but I won't. Life is just pulling at me, and I am letting it pull me away from some of those things that I know that help me get through. One of those things is writing, this blog is a part of that.
So...in the Bible study I have been doing with the book A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, we have come to the end of the study and one of the questions that I am being asked to ponder is: "Is God Enough?"
That is it....that is the short answer...yesterday, today and tomorrow, the answer to "Is God Enough?" is "YUP"
And how did I come to this answer? I am still alive.
Over a decade ago, I came to a point in my life in which I was so frustrated with what was or was not going on in my life that I wanted to end it. Now, it retrospect, there was nothing horrible that should have warranted my feeling suicidal. It was just that I was single, I wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't have any children, which I wanted more then anything. I was in a cruddy job that had no future room for growth. I was in debt up to my eyeballs and I saw no relief.
Now I had been raised in Christian home. My grandmother and mother both had a faith in God that inspired many, including myself. I knew from a very young age that Jesus loved me. I knew without a doubt that God exists. Those were things that I never really doubted. I knew that I could talk to God in prayer but misunderstood how he responded to those prayers. I had given my life to Christ in my early 20's but by my 30th birthday, I didn't have any of the things in my life that I had been praying for so fervently. A husband, children, a good job, an opportunity to pay off my debt...
In truth, I was fighting surrendering all of my life to him. I would give him something then take it back later. There were things that I just held onto out of spite, I think. So, of the 4th of July weekend a month after my thirtieth birthday, I travel to a motel room to "have it out" with God. I was living with my Grandmother at the time and needed some space. I spend much of the 2 1/2 drive to St. Louis, where I was staying, thinking about ways to drive my car into an embankment or over a guardrail.
But God was also working on my heart during that trip, because when I arrived at the hotel, I was ready to talk to him and listen for his still strong voice. As I struggled to tell him how I was feeling lost, alone, hopeless, I slowly realized, as I read scripture, how much I meant to him. It took the first half of my three day personal retreat to stop arguing. It was during that last night and next morning that I was ready to listen. That was when I heard his voice.
It wasn't an audible voice per se, it was voice in my heart that told me: "Shelley, I will take care of you, in my time, in my way, if you give me all of yourself. I will give you the desires of your heart."
The biggest desire of my heart at that time was to be married and have a family. I had finally over those few days begun praying that if I was never to get married that he would take that desire from me so that I would no longer pine for a man.
In those last few hours of peace and quiet I/we began making lists of this I could start doing instead of pining of what I didn't have. Most of it revolved around becoming closer to Him by spending time in His presence and in His word, increasing my involvement at my church, working with a ministry outreach at my church, using my job as a platform for ministry......then I made a "deal" with God. If I wasn't married by my 35th birthday I was going to take a trip to Hawaii on my own and surrender to the thought of always being single.
Now, to me that sounded reasonable..but in truth, He was showing me that He was enough!
God is in charge and does have a plan for my life. (See Jeremiah 29:11-12) He wanted me to know that He was enough for me.
Within two years I realized that a man that I had been hanging out with for years, was interested in dating me. He sent flowers to my work on Valentine's Day and it was a total surprise and shock to me. I had never seriously dated anyone before and I never would again. Before my 35th birthday I was married, had a son and one more on the way. I didn't get to go to Hawaii and maybe never will, but I did figure out in that time of my life that YUP!.....God is #Enough...yesterday, today, and tomorrow.