Day one

The New Year is starting with a new approach for creating healthy habits. I had my first appointment at a physician led weight loss facility. 

I had my weight taken along the a physical exam by a NP, blood work drawn, an EKG done and a through medical history. The counselor was through and the plan thus far is all nutrition related. Other then having several supplements to take, the rest of the plan is to put the body into ketosis. Unlike the Keto diet with is focused on Fat, this is focused on Protein. 

I feel optimistic about this plan. The weekly counseling will provide an individualized accountability that other plans haven't. My insurance is covering the plan. I am looking forward to getting education for being healthier.

This is my plan for 2021. To work on me.

I feel grateful to have the opportunity to try something new, every moring His mercies are new!

Until next time, be blessed.

Been about a year

 So it is January 2021 - it has been about a year since my last blog post. What a year it has been. There is no going back over the year of 2020, it was rough. We have been able to find silver linings in the waiting for the global Pandemic of COVID 19 to stop shutting down the county, our state, our county, our country. 

The Hubby and I are both working from home full time and right now both boys are remotely in school. Benji was in his self contained classroom for a couple of months at the end of the year. While I love the idea of working from home, the reality of working a telephonic job from home is that I am tethered to my desk 8 hours a day. My "office is in my bedroom because that is where I get the best wifi reception. That means that I am in my bedroom about 16 hours during the weekdays. Ugh!

I know that when I get back to the office I will have a nice large cubicle, a space that I have been waiting for my entire working life. I know that sounds funny, especially for a nurse but I have always wanted my own office space where I could help people, 9 to 5 and be able to go home and focus on my family. Of course making a good salary was apart of that. I am blessed to have found that job, I can't wait to get back to the office, see my co-workers and so how far I can rise up the corporate ladder. 😊

Now for my personal struggle with weight. It has been a struggle since I was 12 and now that I am 37 years older, I am ready to take this bull by the horns. I have made and appointment at a weight loss clinic that is covered by my insurance, physician-led and seems to have good reviews. 

According to my calculations based on health BMI and age, I need to lose about 80 lbs in order to be in my ideal body weight. That type of weight loss takes resources that I have never been able to afford until now. What I know is, this is my last chance. If I can stick to this lifestyle, I have the greatest opportunity to loss that amount of weight. If I fail, the only other option is surgery and I don't want to do that. I have family who has, and it's not something that I want to do. 

I have my first appointment on Saturday the 23rd. I will have a blood draw, physical exam and B6 and B12 injections. Then a high protein diet for a week before adding vegtables back in. At least the way understand it. They will supply supplements We will see how it goes. 

I will update ya after my appointment. 

Shelley 

The truth is that I can't do this by myself. I need someone to be accountable to, someone to help me fight the good fight. 

 

The Waiting is Over

The move over the summer did not exactly go without a hitch, but we have been in our new home in Charlotte, North Carolina for 8 months now. It is beginning to feel like home. 

It is strange not being leadership in a church for the first time in 11 years. My husband's new job is being a Chaplain at a local hospice not a church Pastor. So it has been an adjustment in our ministry mindset. We had to do a little church shopping as well. It was very strange to walk into a church and not have any prep work or "work" to do for morning service. For myself this has been a wonderful change of the worship experience. The church that has become our new church home is much larger and has a contemporary worship band. It is hard not knowing many of the songs but we are learnng so pretty cool worship songs. 

I am still searching for something. I can't quite explain what it is that I am looking for. I am waiting for the Lord to reveal the next ministry journey that he is taking me down. I am both scared and exciting for the many possiblities. 

Until next time

Waiting

So, here we are in the throws of winding down for the summer break and getting ready for the new school year. My boys will be in the same school building for the first time in years, for this one year. Middle school. Be still my heart...

Right now, at our house, we are in a period of waiting. I dislike waiting with a passion. It reminds me that I am not the one in charge. I have to wait for something to happen, someone else to do something. It is so frustrating.

I remember when I turned 30 years old. I was single and that was not on my list for my 30th birthday. My expectation, up to that point had been by 30, I would be dating the man that I would marry and have a family with. But alas, that had not happened. Well, I had met him, but I didn't know that he liked me in a romantic way. We were good friends but that was all, at least as far as I knew.

I had to wait another 2 years to discover that this guy was really into me. It was one of the most painful and dark times in my life as I was waiting for the Lord to make things happen. I clung to Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I was not until I read, and took to heart, the next few verses that things started to happen. And I have no doubt that if I remember that during this time, once again, the waiting will become bearable.
Vs 12-15 says, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. If you seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."

You see, I had to turn my focus away from myself, what I wanted, what I thought that I needed. I had to focus on God. I had to seek HIM with all my heart. I had to surrender what I wanted and find out what He wanted for me. I had to line up my will with his.

Was it easy? Nope.

In my case, I had to finally say, "Ok, I will stop pining for a man and start serving the Lord." It really was that simple. I started finding new ways to serve Him at my church. When I did that, I noticed that my friend was there was well. We were serving God, learning about him and spending a whole lot of time together in the process. We were growing in our faith both separately and together. So when he did finally let me in on the secret that he REALLY LIKED me. I was ready.

I believe that my waiting then could have been much longer, if I had not taken my focus off of what I wished for and turned it to how I could serve.

So, that is what I am trying to remember today, as I wait for God to move or move me. I am turning my focus back to him and watching for where He is working so that I can join him there.  Trusting that the rest will fall into place.

What are you waiting on today? What do you think God says you should be doing in the meantime?

Overwhelmed

"Over Whelmed" 

So this was me Saturday after a quick trip to our local Dollar Store (the only store in town). It has been one week since my return from the hospital after a bout with an bad infection and I have no endurance. But we really needed some things, TP and Trash Bags were on the top of the list. So there I went.

Last week I spend a lot of time in prayer because it seemed about all I could go. National news headlines were filled with death and tragedy and continued arguments over things going on around our federal government. I have been taking strong doses of steroids along with my antibiotics, and it seems that these meds make me an insomniac. Not the best when you are already sick and tired. So, I spent a lot of time trying to turn my sleepless mind back to prayer instead of worry.

I have not been able to return to our Sunday morning services yet because of my illness, so I spent some time in worship at my dining room table Sunday morning. It was wonderful!

Praise songs filled my head as I put on earphones and let my cell phone playlist fill my ears. It is something that I do frequently when the boys are in school. But it has been months since I have had the chance. It felt wonderful to lift my hands in praise and sing along with the music that pulls me into the presence of Jesus.

As I reviewed the last couple of weeks in my mind, a thought came to me. JOY!

"I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God.  For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest , and a bride adorns herself with jewels."  Isaiah 61:10.

In January I did about two weeks of JOYFUL posts on my Facebook page. I wondered how long I could remember to keep it up, and I wasn't surprised when it ended. I am not very good a consistency and follow-up.
On the day that I ended up in ER, I was driving home from my part time job, listening and singing to tunes in the car. It has been a long time since I had done that too.
A quotation from the Movie CARS by the character Lightening McQueen kept going through my head. "I LOVE being ME."
While in the movie it was a statement of arrogance, in my mind it was more a statement of fact.

I do want to spend each day of my life here on earth, loving being me. The me that God created me to be.

I am not a supermodel, beautiful and shapely.
I am no 20 or 30 - those sweet days of youth is behind me.
I am not going to be the mother of an infant ever again - I am not the mother of Middle School-ers.
I have a special needs child who will always require more of my time, energy and patience then a neuro-typical child.
I am the wife of a man called by God into ministry - we will never be rich unless God decides to richly bless our ministry in ways that I can't imagine right now.
I will have to struggle to get to and maintain a healthy weight for the rest of my life.


I understand that I have the choice, every day, to love BEING ME or Hate my life.
I  can live life to it's fullest or I can waste it away.
I can enjoy the sunrise or dread it.
I can make fun memories for my sons, my family and friends each day that I am here on earth, or I can make none.

I was reminded this week that life is short, we have no guarantees for tomorrows.

I am choosing today to enjoy life. I hope that you all do the same. Count your blessings, make a list.

"Choose life, that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob." Deuteronomy 30:20.

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour our your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

Updates in July 2018

2018-

This is my first post in the past three years. Yes, the bible study that I using as a method to remind me to do this post, discontinued its Blogger post reminders week their studies. I used that as an excuse to quite blogging. It's sad. But it's true.

With that being said, I am now 10 years into my job as a Pastor's wife and I am beginning to think that I have some information worth sharing with others once again.

I have been struggling for the 10 years that we have been in ministry in our small town rural church to figure out exactly where I fit in to my new role.

For a little bit of review. I was living in a city of about 80,000 people when we moved 3 hours away into a town of 2,100 people. Now, I was not completely naïve of small town life because I spent 5 years on a small island in the Smallest State of the Union, Rhode Island USA. It is 7 miles long and 2 miles wide. It had a population of 5,405 in 2010. It was connected by two bridges to main land bodies. While I wasn't driving at the time that I lived there, I do remember driving a bit to do shopping and get to events an other such things. So I thought that was prepared enough for small town living in the Midwest.

I was wrong!

There are several things that have lead to this I believe and I will list them without much extra information for now. I may go into more detail later.

1. My family moved here for a Part Time position as the Pastor of a very old church (150+) with a small congregation.

2. I am a nurse had difficulty finding a Full Time position in the area that didn't require me to be working so many hours that would make my husband unavailable for those in the congregation.

3. Within a year or two of our move we discovered that our youngest son had some severe developmental delays and was later diagnosed with Autism.

4. My husband was able to get a second Part Time job which eventually lead to a Full Time position, but we had to wait for over 5 years for that to happen.

5. I figured out that I was literally working my full time job to pay for the daycare and gas to get back and forth to work (I had to commute an hour each day)

6. So, with both my kids in school, a child with special needs, I made the choice to become a stay at home mom.

7. The area that we live has had progressively bad winter weather every year that we have been here, making travel very difficult.

8. Within the first 5 years of our living here both of our young children had accidents that required significant hospitalizations.

9. Our closest family and friends live 3 hours away.

10. I moved into a depression for several years because I have not been able to find close friends here.


So, that brings me to the point that I am contemplating today. I have been deeply disappointed by people that claim to be a part of the Body of Christ. I have a friend in ministry that used to say to his congregation, if I am not meeting your expectations, lower them, for I am only human.

Unfortunately, I have had to do that with the Body of Christ in general over the years of ministry. I came from a small church by city standards (and probably today's too) of about 200 people. I have been very involved for many years with a ministry of people that have hundreds of people involved.

Currently I do not have that support system other then through social media. So, when things go wrong for my family, I feel alone and abandoned.

It's not anyone's fault, it's the nature of the ministry that we serve. Small, close knit community.
We are outsiders. We will always be outsiders, That is never more evident then when you are in need of physical, tangible help.

Last week I was hospitalized for 4 days. Leaving my husband alone to care of our two boys on his own. For a normal family, my now Middle School Aged children would have been able to handle it as the incontinence that it was. But for my special needs child, it required my husband to stay at home while I lay 20 mins away in a hospital bed, not for sure what was going on or when I would be better.

God is Good! And he took care of us. My husband was already on a three day vacation so he didn't have to take off time from his full time job. (Our primary source of income) And his sister who lives 2 1/2 hours away was also able to change her vacation plans to come and help him take care of the boys.

However, my disappointment came from the local body of Christ. One person, came to our house to help. One family ordered pizza for our family the first night I was back. The next day, Sunday, my husband went to church, did his job and we were left to our own devices. Sad that our society has become so selfish that we are quick to light up a social media post with "Prayers" for one another but never making an effort to really find out what people in need actually need.

Church members of any church forget, I think that when a Pastor excepts a call to your church, they are often leaving behind all their personal support system to do so. Sometime we are lucky enough to live and work where we know a lot of people, sometimes we know no one but the people that come our church "family". How far do any of us get without the Body of Christ?

I think that we would all do well to remember The Parable of the Good Samaritan (Message Version) Luke:25-37
25 Just then a religion scholar stood up with a question to test Jesus. "Teacher, what do I need to do to get eternal life?" 26 He answered, "What's written in God's Law? How do you interpret it?" 

27 He said, "That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence - and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself." 28 "Good answer!" said Jesus. "Do it and you'll live."

29 Looking for a loophole, he asked, "And just how would you define 'neighbor'?" 

30 Jesus answered by telling a story. "There was once a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he was attacked by robbers. They took his clothes, beat him up, and went off leaving him half-dead. 31 Luckily, a priest was on his way down the same road, but when he saw him he angled across to the other side. 32 Then a Levite religious man showed up; he also avoided the injured man.

33 "A Samaritan traveling the road came on him. When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him. 34 He gave him first aid, disinfecting and bandaging his wounds. Then he lifted him onto his donkey, led him to an inn, and made him comfortable. 35 In the morning he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, 'Take good care of him. If it costs any more, put it on my bill - I'll pay you on my way back.'

36 "What do you think? Which of the three became a neighbor to the man attacked by robbers?" 

37 "The one who treated him kindly," the religion scholar responded. Jesus said, "Go and do the same."

Friday Follies

It has been a while since I have blogged, but I am going to remedy that. Next week I am starting a new Online Bible Study with Proverbs31 ministeries. Even though I don't believe that they are doing the Blog Thursdays any longer, I liked and did really well with the idea of sharing in such a way. So I am planning on posting every Thursday during the study with the hope that I can continue after it is over on a weekly basis. Perhaps changing the format a bit to cover my ever changing habits and hobbies.


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Mama to Males

So it has been a while since I have posted anything but I thought that since I was starting a Online Bible Study thru Proverbs 31 ministeries I would take the time to add a quick post.

This weeks blog hop is to share our "Mama Story" so here is mine:
When I was 20 I knew that by the time that I was 30 I would be married, with children, (probably 4 if I had my way) and have a wonderful career.
The day of my 30 th birthday, which was when all of my dreams were going to come true, I was single, not even dating and working a mediocore job at best. And being a Mama, was looking more and more like a pipedream.  I had no idea that God was about to do a great thing in my life over the next three years.
It started at a 3 day weekend at a church that I'll just call life changing. That weekend changed my priorities from all about me to a whole lot more about God and others.
A couple of years later I was actually dating a godly man. I was not just happy I was estatic! By then I was 32 and I beginning to wonder about where this relationship was going. I mean really I was already 2 years behind on MY plan..and I was not going wait until I was 40 to have kids. If I was going to be a mama, I was going to be young enough to enjoy it.

So one night as my then boyfriend was getting ready to leave my house to head for his own, I ran out to his truck and when he rolled down his window, I declared, "I've only got eight more years to have kids!"

To hear him tell the story, he was half way home before he said to himself, "I hope that she's not expecting me to do something about that."

But I was...and when we finally did get married a little over a year later, I was hopeful that we wouldn't have any problems starting a family......We didn't.
9 months after our wedding we were welcoming our son Andrew into the world and 18 months later, another son Benjamin.

I was happy, I finally had my family.  It was picture perfect actually...that was until things didn't go as I had planned.

We, like so many others, have had ups and downs, but the hardest thing for this Mama, (besides sitting in the hosptial for 10 days in burn unit with my youngest son who was 3 and he had pulled a pot of speghetti sauce over on himself ) was the diagnosis that we received a year later of his Autism Spectrum Disorder.  That was only the beginning of what I truely do consider our nightmare (at least somedays). Benji, as we call him, was nonverbal for much of his toddler years. Last year he was in first grade in a special education class and had worked his vocabulary up to maybe 20 single words. Most of them are food items. Our biggest challenge with him is that he has LITTLE, if at all, safety awareness. So we have to cover the windows in his room upstairs and have elaborate chains on the doors to keep him from opening the doors and running out into traffic or just wandering away.

Our older son Andrew was just diagnosed during last school year (3rd grade) with Austism (Level 1) what used to be called Asperger's.  He has trouble in class, staying on task and is socially lacking.

About 3 years ago we found it more expensive for me to work full time and find daycare then to get stay home. So that's when I started my career as a homemaker. The problem is, most days I feel like a failure as a housekeeper.
These days I wonder what the home of a "normal family" looks like. I am pretty certain that it doesn't look anything like mine.  I am spending less and less time on social networking sites because I am tired of looking at pictures and posts from my family and friends of their wonderful children getting straight A's and going to basketball camps and playing awesome little league soccer. Even hearing about something as simple as a family vacation at Disney World or the beach, makes me tear up.
Every thing is hard with kids on the spectrum. Or at least that is my experience so far. Vacations have to be planned carefully so not to over stimulate the youngest and do things that will let adults do things with the kids, I have given up on the idea that my oldest son will ever play a team sport or even be able to be with a group of kids his own age for extracurricular activities.  My kids are very smart about a lot of things but not necessarily acedemics. Certainly neither of them are genuses.
I feel comfortable that Andrew will be able to find a niche and a job somewhere along the way but I worry whether Benji will ever be able to be independent and in the workforce.  Heck at this point I just want him to stop having accidents in his pants and throwing every item that he picks up in the air. I don't want to make my house a prison because I'm afraid he will get away from me and I'll not be able to catch him before he get hit by a car.
I want my boys to be be able to ride their bikes and go play with friends at the park, participate in school programs without being the one that everyone is staring. I want to be able to send them outside in the backyard to play to give me give a few minutes of peace.
Does it sound like I am complaining? Yup I am. But you wanted my story, and this is it.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my kids, I cry when they hurt and I smile when they laugh. And most of the time I love their quirkyness. It is afterall the way that God made them. And he gave them to me to mother. (Although sometimes I have to wonder why because often I don't know what to do with them) And as my best friend tells me, "neither of your kids hit any branches on the way down the ugly tree". They are good looking guys!

My prayer is that over the course of this study God will renew my heart and restore my soul as I study His Words!







 

3 Simple Steps.

Why is it that those words, "3 Simple Steps" make us feel so much better.  Somehow knowing that there are three simple steps to anything, makes us much more likely to try it!   

It has been a while since I have posted on this blog and during that time I have been working on my healthy eating habits from the Made To Crave Action Plan Bible Study by Lysa TerKeurst with Proverbs 31 ministries. Now I am on a healthy eating plan, working on increasing my exercise and working through the book "Living So That" by Wendy Blight with the Online Bible Study of Proverbs 31 ministries. 

So day's question is: 3 Simple Steps that combat the flesh and feed the spirit?

I came up with a variation on the theme of the old "Stop, Look and Listen" 

1. Stop- take time every day to spend time in the study of God's Word and Prayer. It is far too easy to be distracted by the things of this world, Computers, Smart Phones, Television, Families, they all compete with each other for our time. God does not...he waits for us to come to him. Make time to stop and spend time with him. 

2.Look - Take some time to search in the scriptures for your special message from God for that day.  Sometimes I use a devotion book to guide my study, sometimes I explore something that God puts on my heart.  You can look at a verse 5 times in a week and find something new that speaks to you each day. But don't just stop at your Bible. Look around you...look for the things that God is doing in the world around you.. If you take the time to look, you will find him...then join Him there.

3. Listen - This seems self explanatory but I would encourage you to spend intention time in your prayer time not only giving God your petitions and thanksgiving but also still yourself so that you can hear that small still voice when it speaks to your heart.  

I can't say that I have ever heard a booming voice from the sky, but I have "heard" a thought in my head that I know came from him.  

Stop-Look-Listen.....the best way I know to combat the flesh and feed the spirit! (It is also helpful before crossing the street) 

Intentional Sacrifice

So six weeks ago, I started this journey with P31 Online Bible Studies thru Lysa TerKeurst's Book "Made to Crave".

Now I know what you might be thinking, "Yeah, one more diet book......"

I have to admit that at first I kinda thought the same thing...however, what I have discovered in this book is a clearer picture of the "why I need to" and luckily I have found my "want to" to become healthier. Huge deal, huge difference in the way that this past 6 weeks have gone.  As of last week I was at the edge of a 10 lbs marker. I was about, if I lose 1 lbs this week, to move into the 2-teens. Now while I would be happier if I was hanging on the cliff of the 200 lbs marker, I will take this, because I have been able to maintain this weight loss and I have no intention in letting my weight slip back into the 230's.

What will lasting, sustainable, discipline mean for me? Well, I think that it will look a lot like what these past 6 weeks have looked like.  Many more days of victory then days of slipping off the wagon.  Moving more and increasing energy....

I am not sure that I know how to articulate the true change that has taken place in my life that helps me know, that even though I will have days that I don't want to eat right, or exercise....my heart has changed and I know that with God's help I can have the finally victory. It may take years to get to that number that I really want, and perhaps I won't get there, but if my heart and my appetite has been changed, that is what really matters.  I have the ability to make the right choices.....I am just praying that Spring comes soon so that I can start jogging....something that I am being convicted to do. It is not possible right now with the negative wind chills and single digit temps, ice and snow!!  

Do I believe I can make the intentional sacrifice of the high fat foods that I love so much, do I think that I can make the sacrifice of time for exercise that my body needs so badly? Yes...yes I do.  Not by my strength but by the one that gives me strength.  Praise be to the Lord!

Soul Filling Satisfaction

"He poured great draughts of water down parched throats; the starved and hungry got plenty to eat." Psalm 107:9 (MSG)

This promise is one for me today as much as it was when it was it was written to celebrate the Jews' return from their exile in Babylon. This promise reminds me of the promise that Jesus gave to the woman at the well for the living water that would forever satisfy her thirst.

In this weeks chapters, of the Made to Crave Bible Study written by Lysa TerKeurst, the titles are enough to make you stop and think "Overindulgence" and "Emotional Emptiness".  In reading these chapters and contemplating the questions at the back of the chapters, I have to admit I have a feeling of deja vu.

In the last couple of weeks, if you recall, I have discovered that I have a problem with gluttony which spurred on my weight gain over the years. So reading these chapters, gave me confirmation of the truth that God has been revealing to me through these five weeks of bible study. The most awesome thing that I have discovered over the years of walking with Jesus is that God doesn't want me to stay stuck in the places of my defeat, He wants to give me the forgiveness and victory over them.  And that my friends is #soul-filling satisfaction.

The truth is that my eating problems have a deeper root, one that God can remove in his mercy and I can, for the first time be free from. We all can!  I will still have to do the work to lose the weight. It took many years to put the weight so I can't expect it to come off overnight (although I do know that God is capable of even that miracle). I would ask for that but I know that he answer would be, it doesn't work that way.
Besides that, there is a huge lesson to be learned in working hard to reach your goals. It always makes me much less likely to take it for granted.

My purpose for walking down this path is not only to reach my physical goals, but to grow closer to God in the process.  To find that soul filling satisfaction not in things of this world but in Him. Those things that only God can fill in me.That would be the thing that I ask God for to help me feel a deep and soul-filling satisfaction...Fill me up with the living water Lord. Amen

#Truth

Ok, so it is Friday, the Made to Crave Blog Hop was yesterday...but yesterday I was a little busy. In the morning my husband, oldest son and I ran errands at Noon we had an appointment for my son to be evaluated my autism.  Unfortunately we had to travel about an hour away to get that done.  Lots of time on the road yesterday.

I did discover a couple important truths about myself this week though. When I give up my sins to God, he is faithful to deal with them. In my last blog I talked about discovering a spirit of gluttony in myself.  A need to overeat and "supersize" everything I ate.  The root of this spirit goes back a long way and I won't bore anyone with the details. But the moment that I confessed this and gave it over to God, the truth that I have been living under changed.

It moved from, "If I don't eat this pizza, french fries, the large portion of spaghetti now, I may never get it again" the "if one hot dog is good then two hot dogs are better" too:

2 Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness...."

The truth is, God's grace, provision, love is sufficient....it will never run out....there is no need for me to be a glutton in the way that I eat. I live in the United States of America. My husband brings home a sufficient paycheck, we live in a wonderful home provided by the church that we serve, we have two vehicles to get around in, my children get a good education at the public school, I don't have to struggle, worry or beg for my families next meal, I go to the kitchen and find things there to feed them and myself.

And the truth is that only in His power, my weakness, my sin, my mind, can be overcome. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to the food choices and willingness to exercise.

I have spent years believing God's truth in so many areas but hanging on to Satan's lies about my weight, will power and abilities to do something about it.  I have been morbidly obese for almost 9 years when I was 210 pounds at the birth of my oldest son.  18 months later I delivered our youngest son weighing 232.  My highest weight got to 241 a couple of years ago.  I didn't see myself as obese or I would even say fat until the past couple of years. I have always clung to my internal image of myself as the skinny girl that I was at 12.

 The truth hurts sometimes but for me, this has been good. If you don't think that there is anything wrong with you, why fix it?

I am ready to believe God's truth through his scriptures and ready to listen to what he has to teach me. I was particularly hit by Chapter 11 in this weeks Made to Crave book by Lysa TerKeurst where she uses a quote from Ruth Graham talking about being victims..."Either we can be victimized and become victims, or we can be victimized and rise above it.  Often it is easier to play the victim than take off our masks and asked for help. We get comfortable with our victim status. It becomes our identity and is hard to give up...."
She goes on to use Deuteronomy 2:3 (NASB) "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north."

I have moved around the same mountain of weight gain and laziness for more then long enough. It is time for me to turn NORTH! Lift my hands toward heaven.

Delighting in Obedience

There it is......the Blue Bunny Chocolate Ice Cream container staring at me in the refrigerator. It looks at me EVERYTIME I go to the freezer.  That happens several times a day....

This week the word of the week in the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study that I am doing of the book Made to Crave by Lesa TerKeurst is #PEACE. This is week #3 of both the bible study and the changes to my eating and exercise habits that will get me to a healthy lifestyle.

Unfortunately the ice cream in the freezer will not do that! But in this week, I have found a peace in that ice cream container that I have resisted all week. It is a metaphor for my weight loss journey.  Chocolate ice cream is not a craving of mine but it is something I would gladly eat.

I have been staying away from refined sugars, putting sweetener in my coffee and staying away from candies, sweets, etc, etc.  While I can't say that I have even been a big sweet eater, sugar has been a staple in my diet. And a part of my frustration in giving up sugar is that I don't believe (as a nurse) that artificial sweeteners are a good idea.  There are too many chemicals in them and too little agreement from "experts" as to how safe they are.  With that said, I don't want to influence any one's decision about sweeteners but I will say I try to stay with sweetening products made from  natural products. Stevia and Agave nectar are two of my favorite when I need something for my morning coffee. Sorry....I can't do it black!

So, as I open my freezer to get my morning Jimmy Dean Delights sandwich or my Smart Ones frozen meal for lunch, I find that Chocolate Champion container looking at me.  It first it tauted me, now after 5 days, it makes me laugh.  Why??   Because I realized this week that I am the Champion, not the ice cream!

Obedience....one of my least favorite words. However, scripture is full of reminders of how important it is.  And in truth, without obedience to my exercise routine or meal plan everyday...my health will not improve. I was always pretty obedient to my parents until I hit college. It was there that I started making rebellious decisions. That was also when I rebelled against my Heavenly Father as well. So the idea of learning to Delight in Obedience especially as it relates to exercise and food is painful.

Why is it painful? Because I learned a truth about myself this week that hurts me to the core. It was revealed to me during my devotional and study time this week that I am a glutton. That is, what a lot of my issue with food is all about. Gluttony is defined is Webster's Dictionary as "excess in eating or drinking; greedy or excessive indulgence."

Proverbs 23:19-21 says "Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path. Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags."

Ouch!......The truth in that scripture convicted me.. I want to be wise, I want to keep my heart on the right path, I have been a glutton for food and during a different period of my life, material things as well (but that is a different story).  And if I look at the results of my gluttony, it is true that it has made me poor.....in health, in spiritual wellness and emotional drowsiness. My excessive appetite has lead me to a poor eating habits, high blood pressure and a lazy lifestyle.  All of the things that I am fighting against right now.

So back to the container of ice cream in the frig.......as I stared into the freezer yesterday, I realized that it was getting easier to shut the door without panging for a spoon to dig in to the container. God, in his mercy, has given his Holy Spirit with wisdom, guidance and love to heal me from this spirit of gluttony.  How do I know this? Well......I have started praying for God to replace the desire for eating to excess with a desire to eat less.  It sounds to simple, to easy, to good to be true...but since praying this way I have found a peace in my soul as I eat less at meals which is my downfall. I have found peace in the obedience of choosing better foods and eating less at one time.

I love the promise in Isaiah 45:3 - "I will give you treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord the God of Israel who summons you by name." It is the verse of the week in the study and I am taking it to my heart that as I do with less food, I am storing up treasures in heaven.

Now next week, I am going to tackle the exercise issue.....so, right now I am going to close and go put in my walking DVD...and pray for Spring! And laugh at the Chocolate Ice Cream container in the refrigerator when I get my pre-portioned lunch out!

God bless you today and everyday with treasures beyond your wildest dreams!!!
  

1 Peter 5:7-8

Okay, so I have had better starts to diets in the past. I am not exactly sure what has been my hang up...other then my own stubborn self that is. Perhaps that it is the knowledge that this time it has to be a complete lifestyle change...it means forever, it is admitting that I have been making poor decisions in my eating habits and my exercise habits. Poor habits that have to change.

There is anxiety for me in the idea of change.  I know that I am not the only one....never really talked to anyone who says they like change.  If you do, drop me a line, I would like to get to know you better.

So as I eat my Lean Pocket and Carrot sticks instead of those BBQ chips in the kitchen calling my name...

Let's take a closer look at 1 Peter 5:7-8.
I was curious about a few of the key words in the verse.

1. Cast- defined by the dictionary in terms: to throw; to throw with force, hurl; to shed; to throw forth, drop; to throw on the ground; to deposit; to turn or direct (as in eyes); and in Nautical terms to turn (a ship) change to the opposite tack.
2. Anxieties- defined by wikidictionary as "an unpleasant state of inner turmoil a feeling of fear, worry and uneasiness, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation.

So just the first few words spoke volumes to me:
I am suppose to throw, even hurl my anxieties, which are: my feelings of fear, worry and uneasiness (note they are usually unfocused and an overrection, hum).... It implies to me that I need to turn in the direction on God (turning my eyes toward), even turning "my ship" around to head a different direction (towards him) .  I was surprised bit as I looked at John Gills's Exposition of the Bible entry for this verse: (didn't see this coming) " ; the care of the body, and of all the affairs of life, concerning which saints should not be anxiously thoughtful, but depend upon the providence of God,.... as also the care of the soul, and the spiritual and eternal welfare of it, which should be committed into the hands of Christ, on whom help is laid, and who is become the author of eternal salvation."
Now on to the second half of 7- "for he careth for you;

for the bodies of his people, and their outward concerns of life, for food and raiment for them, and for the preservation of them, who will not suffer them to want, nor withhold any good thing from them, or ever leave them and forsake them; and for their souls, for which he has made provision in his Son, and in the covenant of his grace has laid help upon a mighty Saviour; and who has obtained an eternal redemption for them, bestows his grace upon them, and gives every needful supply of it to them, and keeps them by his power through faith unto salvation."

Hello!!! it talks about the body, food.......In the commentary!!! God cares not only, per this scripture reference about my spiritual well-being, but my physical one as well.

Humbling and a bit disconcerting too.

So....moving on.....

vs. 8a: "Be self-controlled and alert" 

Self-controlled is defined as "control of one's emotions, desires, or actions, by one's own will."  

Alert- "vigilently attentive; watchful (alert to danger); mentally responsive and perceptive; quick, brisk or lively in action." 

So I need to be in control of my emotions, desires and action and watch for the dangers to which I might befall quickly, lively....not slowly!

So in terms of my dieting......this verse tells me that I need to throw my fears, worries (about never having a dish of my favorite foods again) ...to my Lord who does care for me and every thing about me.  My body and food included. Then......I need to learn how to be control my cravings by my own will and be always on the alert for dangers to what I am trying to do by changing my lifestyle.

Believe it or not, I this really helped me in terms of my struggle against food choices.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

When I read this scripture, I hear the voice of God.  It's promise has carried me through the deepest valleys of my life.  Our God has plans for us. It doesn't matter what has happened in the past or what we are in the of...His plan is one of hope and holds the future....

Often in my life I have felt that whatever muck I was stuck in was all that there was for me.  The same issues, the same situations, the same for my future as was in my past...things would never get better. I often wondered, why!? Why was I always doomed to live this way, what had I done to be punished.  When others around me were getting blessings and success. 

It was then that I find myself looking at Jeremiah 29:11...a reminder that he is in charge, that his plans for to prosper me, not to hurt me, plans that promise a hope and a future. So I held on...clinging to that promise.  

One day I was reading on and discovered a nugget of truth that I had conveniently missed before. 

 "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you" declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity....." Jeremiah 29:12-14

Did you see what I missed for way too long? 

I have to call upon him, come to him and pray...he will listen to me.

I have to seek him with all my heart...I will find him. 

When I find him...he will bring my out of the captivity that I am living in..

I have discovered the truth of surrender..it is only when I surrender myself to God, when I humble myself to call upon His name and pray that I find him when I look with all of my heart.  I can't give him half of me or half of my situation. I have to surrender all of myself and all of my situation..

In this scripture Jeremiah was talking to the captives in Babylon, giving them the word from God.He a plan for them and after a time he told them that he was going to give them a new beginning and a new purpose. Just like for the people in Babylon, God used my time in unpleasant circumstances to prepare me for the blessings that he was going to give me in his time with his purpose.  

Are you experiencing a time of hopelessness or frustration? Take Jeremiah 29:11-14 to heart and see what he does with your obedience. 

Happy New Year!

All I can say is goodbye to 2013 and......HELLO 2014!

I am so ready for the new year and what blessings are in store for my family in the new year.  This year, in just a couple of more days, my husband will technically be a Full Time employee for the first time since we started on our journey serving God 6 years ago.

I know that God is in charge of our ministry and we had spent a lot of time in the last few years wondering what He was doing...waiting for fruit to appear. His timing is perfect even if I don't understand it. And believe me, I don't....

During our time of waiting, I have learned a few things worth sharing...
1. Just because you don't feel God's presence in your life, doesn't mean He is not there.
2. If you think that He has abandoned you,  check to see how far you have strayed from Him.
3. Sometimes it is good to just let God have his mysteries...we don't always need to know why things happen..

Here is my verse and word for word for 2014...

The verse is: "See, I am doing a new thing, Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wastelands." Isaiah 43:19

While I am not exactly sure what this verse will mean for my life, I do know that it is a promise for all of us..A promise and a warning.. make sure that you pay attention to the blessings (new things) in your life.

The word is "Generosity" - with new blessings comes a new responsibility to help others with what we receive in his provision and blessing. My heart's desire is that my family can begin the process, with our financial blessing to hope others in the same way that others have helped us over the last decade.

To everything there is a season....

God's Blessings in this New Year as we get to know our Savior and Lord better in this 2014!

#Enough

Thank you to Proverbs 31 ministries ACH OBS for the picture! 

Ok, so it has been a while since my last blog post! Sorry about that. I could try to come up with some lame excuses....but I won't.  Life is just pulling at me, and I am letting it pull me away from some of those things that I know that help me get through.  One of those things is writing, this blog is a part of that. 

So...in the Bible study I have been doing with the book A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, we have come to the end of the study and one of the questions that I am being asked to ponder is: "Is God Enough?" 

Yup!

That is it....that is the short answer...yesterday, today and tomorrow, the answer to "Is God Enough?" is "YUP" 

And how did I come to this answer? I am still alive. 

Over a decade ago, I came to a point in my life in which I was so frustrated with what was or was not going on in my life that I wanted to end it.  Now, it retrospect, there was nothing horrible that should have warranted my feeling suicidal. It was just that I was single, I wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't have any children, which I wanted more then anything. I was in a cruddy job that had no future room for growth. I was in debt up to my eyeballs and I saw no relief. 

Now I had been raised in Christian home. My grandmother and mother both had a faith in God that inspired many, including myself.  I knew from a very young age that Jesus loved me. I knew without a doubt that God exists. Those were things that I never really doubted. I knew that I could talk to God in prayer but misunderstood how he responded to those prayers. I had given my life to Christ in my early 20's but by my 30th birthday, I didn't have any of the things in my life that I had been praying for so fervently. A husband, children, a good job, an opportunity to pay off my debt...

In truth, I was fighting surrendering all of my life to him. I would give him something then take it back later.  There were things that I just held onto out of spite, I think.  So, of the 4th of July weekend a month after my thirtieth birthday, I travel to a motel room to "have it out" with God. I was living with my Grandmother at the time and needed some space.  I spend much of the 2 1/2 drive to St. Louis, where I was staying, thinking about ways to drive my car into an embankment or over a guardrail.  

But God was also working on my heart during that trip, because when I arrived at the hotel, I was ready to talk to him and listen for his still strong voice.  As I struggled to tell him how I was feeling lost, alone, hopeless, I slowly realized, as I read scripture, how much I meant to him. It took the first half of my three day personal retreat to stop arguing. It was during that last night and next morning that I was ready to listen.  That was when I heard his voice. 

It wasn't an audible voice per se, it was voice in my heart that told me: "Shelley, I will take care of you, in my time, in my way, if you give me all of yourself. I will give you the desires of your heart."  

The biggest desire of my heart at that time was to be married and have a family. I had finally over those few days begun praying that if I was never to get married that he would take that desire from me so that I would no longer pine for a man. 

In those last few hours of peace and quiet I/we began making lists of this I could start doing instead of pining of what I didn't have. Most of it revolved around becoming closer to Him by spending time in His presence and in His word, increasing my involvement at my church, working with a ministry outreach at my church, using my job as a platform for ministry......then I made a "deal" with God. If I wasn't married by my 35th birthday I was going to take a trip to Hawaii on my own and surrender to the thought of always being single. 

Now, to me that sounded reasonable..but in truth,  He was showing me that He was enough!

 God is in charge and does have a plan for my life. (See Jeremiah 29:11-12)   He wanted me to know that He was enough for me.     

Within two years I realized that a man that I had been hanging out with for years, was interested in dating me. He sent flowers to my work on Valentine's Day and it was a total surprise and shock to me. I had never seriously dated anyone before and I never would again.  Before my 35th birthday I was married, had a son and one more on the way. I didn't get to go to Hawaii and maybe never will, but I did figure out in that time of my life that YUP!.....God is #Enough...yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

John 8:9-11

"At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first. until Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, 'Women, where are they? Has no one condemned you?'  'No one, sir" she said. 'Then neither do I condemn you,' Jesus declared 'Go now and leave your life of sin.'"  John 8:9-11

So, there you are, surrounded by people who had seen what you've done.  It was your worst sin, one that you already feel terrible about and there they are all ready to throw stones at you... not just rock garden tiny white rocks that you can duck to miss. No these are big rocks. They are bigger than the hands of the people who are ready to throw them at you. They are not polished and shiny, they are ragged and rough, full of the ugliness of the world that they come from. 

And there in the middle of the scene stands Jesus, He steps in between you and them, stoops down and begins to write on the ground. As those around you argue about the justice that you deserve He calmly writes in the dirt.

What does he write?  You can't tell but eventually those in front of you can.  As Jesus stands up  and says to them, "If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Then He returned to the ground and what he was writing.  The people watched him, taking their eyes off of you. Slowly the old among them drop the rocks and move away.  The young ones looked perplexed as they finally look around at each other, notice the thinning group and lose interest, walking away also. 

Finally Jesus looks at you, then at the abandoned rocks on the ground, and asks, "Where are they? Didn't anyone throw their stone?" 

When you answer with a "No"  then he comes to you, puts his hands on your shoulders and says, "Then neither do I....go now and leave your life of sin." So what do you do? 

While the above is a personalized paraphrase of the story in John, it was how I pictured myself in this verse. 
Standing in awe, waiting for the worst that both I and the others believed I deserve.  Jesus walked in, stood in front and waited for the outcome that He knew would happen.  

 He knew that He had come to pay the price for my sin and all of theirs as well. 

In the scripture Jesus asked the woman, "Has no one condemned you?" 

Let's look at the word condemn - the Dictionary.com say the definition includes the following:

•  to say in a strong and definative way that someone or something is bad or wrong. 
• to give (someone) a usually severe punishment
• to cause (someone) to suffer or live in difficult or unpleasant conditions
• to declare to be reprehensible, wrong or evil usually after weighing evidence and reservations. 
• to pronounce guilty

That was the pharisee's intention to have the group of people there condemn this woman that she was bad, give her severe punishment which could cause her to suffer after their evidence was brought before the people and she was declared guilty.

But what did Jesus do???? 

Jesus told her that He didn't condemn her either. He corrected her by telling her to "Go now and leave your life of sin" but he didn't condemn her.

In fact in Romans 8:1 we are given the promise "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." 

No Condemnation - no declaration that I am bad, no severe punishment that I deserve, no suffering, even if the evidence says that I am, I am not pronounced guilty. 

Isn't that awesome!! As I stand there surrounded by the rocks of my mistakes and sins, no one is going to be throwing them at me because they can't....they all are sinners like I am. And Jesus has said that if I am in Christ Jesus then he will not either."
Don't get me wrong...it is not a free ride.  My sin cost Jesus, His life. And I am called to repent, go and leave my life of sin. But because of who He is..I have no condemnation! 

Thank You, Lord!

Moving Forward

Sometimes over the time that I have been doing this blog, the words come slowly. Other times, like now, the words are quick and easy. They are so easy because they are my story.  

This past weekend I was a Spiritual Director on a 3 day Spiritual Renewal type weekend, what some have called a crash course in Christianity.  I have been involved putting on these weekends for 14 years and I am always surprised at how much I receive as I serve God's seeking daughters. . 

What I had not expected, as I was reading through Chapter 4 of A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, was the revelation that it was time to stop using that pain from my past. It had become my excuse for continuing to be overweight. I have been blessed with a man who thinks that I am cute just the way I am and would love me no matter what I looked like on the outside.  

 I have been convicted in this study that it is time to move forward and stop using the excuses.  God has a plan and purpose for my life but if I am a healthy weight and I will be more able to do the things that He might be calling me to do.  I will feel better about myself and He will be proud of me that I stopped leaning on excuses, and start leaning on him. 

"'For I know that plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord,' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me and I will listen to you. Your will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" Jeremiah 29:11-14. 

 That is me Lord, I am seeking you with all of my heart for my hope and future and I am praying that you will bring me back from this captivity of believing that being overweight is the only way that I can be protected. For I know that You are the one who will protect me, I have nothing to fear or doubt. My hope is in You! 
Amen

Been there, Done That and Loved IT!

I absolutely love OBS (Online Bible Study's). As a girl who is kinda out in the country and without a lot of close personal Christian friends, it is a wonderful way to spend time with people who are searching and studying the Word of God and trying to grow.  

I did the last OBS through Proverbs 31 ministries and it was wonderful. Awesome teachers, great book, great speakers and a group of ladies who commented and encouraged each other all of the way through. 

I learned so much through the "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God" book/bible study this summer.

One important lesson was that I was doing a terrible job of getting into the Word daily. With the OBS I was forced to be in a reflective state of mind at least once a daily when I opened up the email that I got. It is sad to say but it is true. 

That study also taught me a lot about being obedient even in the small things to be able to watch God at work in my life and in the life of those around me. 

I am hopeful that this OBS of Renee Swope's A Confident Heart  will help me have one, because I am not feeling very confident right now. The boys (my 7 and 8 years old guys) are both having behavior issues at school. Ugh!!

Anyway, I know that God can use the upcoming study to help even me!