#Enough

Thank you to Proverbs 31 ministries ACH OBS for the picture! 

Ok, so it has been a while since my last blog post! Sorry about that. I could try to come up with some lame excuses....but I won't.  Life is just pulling at me, and I am letting it pull me away from some of those things that I know that help me get through.  One of those things is writing, this blog is a part of that. 

So...in the Bible study I have been doing with the book A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, we have come to the end of the study and one of the questions that I am being asked to ponder is: "Is God Enough?" 

Yup!

That is it....that is the short answer...yesterday, today and tomorrow, the answer to "Is God Enough?" is "YUP" 

And how did I come to this answer? I am still alive. 

Over a decade ago, I came to a point in my life in which I was so frustrated with what was or was not going on in my life that I wanted to end it.  Now, it retrospect, there was nothing horrible that should have warranted my feeling suicidal. It was just that I was single, I wanted to be in a relationship. I didn't have any children, which I wanted more then anything. I was in a cruddy job that had no future room for growth. I was in debt up to my eyeballs and I saw no relief. 

Now I had been raised in Christian home. My grandmother and mother both had a faith in God that inspired many, including myself.  I knew from a very young age that Jesus loved me. I knew without a doubt that God exists. Those were things that I never really doubted. I knew that I could talk to God in prayer but misunderstood how he responded to those prayers. I had given my life to Christ in my early 20's but by my 30th birthday, I didn't have any of the things in my life that I had been praying for so fervently. A husband, children, a good job, an opportunity to pay off my debt...

In truth, I was fighting surrendering all of my life to him. I would give him something then take it back later.  There were things that I just held onto out of spite, I think.  So, of the 4th of July weekend a month after my thirtieth birthday, I travel to a motel room to "have it out" with God. I was living with my Grandmother at the time and needed some space.  I spend much of the 2 1/2 drive to St. Louis, where I was staying, thinking about ways to drive my car into an embankment or over a guardrail.  

But God was also working on my heart during that trip, because when I arrived at the hotel, I was ready to talk to him and listen for his still strong voice.  As I struggled to tell him how I was feeling lost, alone, hopeless, I slowly realized, as I read scripture, how much I meant to him. It took the first half of my three day personal retreat to stop arguing. It was during that last night and next morning that I was ready to listen.  That was when I heard his voice. 

It wasn't an audible voice per se, it was voice in my heart that told me: "Shelley, I will take care of you, in my time, in my way, if you give me all of yourself. I will give you the desires of your heart."  

The biggest desire of my heart at that time was to be married and have a family. I had finally over those few days begun praying that if I was never to get married that he would take that desire from me so that I would no longer pine for a man. 

In those last few hours of peace and quiet I/we began making lists of this I could start doing instead of pining of what I didn't have. Most of it revolved around becoming closer to Him by spending time in His presence and in His word, increasing my involvement at my church, working with a ministry outreach at my church, using my job as a platform for ministry......then I made a "deal" with God. If I wasn't married by my 35th birthday I was going to take a trip to Hawaii on my own and surrender to the thought of always being single. 

Now, to me that sounded reasonable..but in truth,  He was showing me that He was enough!

 God is in charge and does have a plan for my life. (See Jeremiah 29:11-12)   He wanted me to know that He was enough for me.     

Within two years I realized that a man that I had been hanging out with for years, was interested in dating me. He sent flowers to my work on Valentine's Day and it was a total surprise and shock to me. I had never seriously dated anyone before and I never would again.  Before my 35th birthday I was married, had a son and one more on the way. I didn't get to go to Hawaii and maybe never will, but I did figure out in that time of my life that YUP!.....God is #Enough...yesterday, today, and tomorrow. 

John 8:9-11

"At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first. until Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, 'Women, where are they? Has no one condemned you?'  'No one, sir" she said. 'Then neither do I condemn you,' Jesus declared 'Go now and leave your life of sin.'"  John 8:9-11

So, there you are, surrounded by people who had seen what you've done.  It was your worst sin, one that you already feel terrible about and there they are all ready to throw stones at you... not just rock garden tiny white rocks that you can duck to miss. No these are big rocks. They are bigger than the hands of the people who are ready to throw them at you. They are not polished and shiny, they are ragged and rough, full of the ugliness of the world that they come from. 

And there in the middle of the scene stands Jesus, He steps in between you and them, stoops down and begins to write on the ground. As those around you argue about the justice that you deserve He calmly writes in the dirt.

What does he write?  You can't tell but eventually those in front of you can.  As Jesus stands up  and says to them, "If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Then He returned to the ground and what he was writing.  The people watched him, taking their eyes off of you. Slowly the old among them drop the rocks and move away.  The young ones looked perplexed as they finally look around at each other, notice the thinning group and lose interest, walking away also. 

Finally Jesus looks at you, then at the abandoned rocks on the ground, and asks, "Where are they? Didn't anyone throw their stone?" 

When you answer with a "No"  then he comes to you, puts his hands on your shoulders and says, "Then neither do I....go now and leave your life of sin." So what do you do? 

While the above is a personalized paraphrase of the story in John, it was how I pictured myself in this verse. 
Standing in awe, waiting for the worst that both I and the others believed I deserve.  Jesus walked in, stood in front and waited for the outcome that He knew would happen.  

 He knew that He had come to pay the price for my sin and all of theirs as well. 

In the scripture Jesus asked the woman, "Has no one condemned you?" 

Let's look at the word condemn - the Dictionary.com say the definition includes the following:

•  to say in a strong and definative way that someone or something is bad or wrong. 
• to give (someone) a usually severe punishment
• to cause (someone) to suffer or live in difficult or unpleasant conditions
• to declare to be reprehensible, wrong or evil usually after weighing evidence and reservations. 
• to pronounce guilty

That was the pharisee's intention to have the group of people there condemn this woman that she was bad, give her severe punishment which could cause her to suffer after their evidence was brought before the people and she was declared guilty.

But what did Jesus do???? 

Jesus told her that He didn't condemn her either. He corrected her by telling her to "Go now and leave your life of sin" but he didn't condemn her.

In fact in Romans 8:1 we are given the promise "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." 

No Condemnation - no declaration that I am bad, no severe punishment that I deserve, no suffering, even if the evidence says that I am, I am not pronounced guilty. 

Isn't that awesome!! As I stand there surrounded by the rocks of my mistakes and sins, no one is going to be throwing them at me because they can't....they all are sinners like I am. And Jesus has said that if I am in Christ Jesus then he will not either."
Don't get me wrong...it is not a free ride.  My sin cost Jesus, His life. And I am called to repent, go and leave my life of sin. But because of who He is..I have no condemnation! 

Thank You, Lord!

Moving Forward

Sometimes over the time that I have been doing this blog, the words come slowly. Other times, like now, the words are quick and easy. They are so easy because they are my story.  

This past weekend I was a Spiritual Director on a 3 day Spiritual Renewal type weekend, what some have called a crash course in Christianity.  I have been involved putting on these weekends for 14 years and I am always surprised at how much I receive as I serve God's seeking daughters. . 

What I had not expected, as I was reading through Chapter 4 of A Confident Heart by Renee Swope, was the revelation that it was time to stop using that pain from my past. It had become my excuse for continuing to be overweight. I have been blessed with a man who thinks that I am cute just the way I am and would love me no matter what I looked like on the outside.  

 I have been convicted in this study that it is time to move forward and stop using the excuses.  God has a plan and purpose for my life but if I am a healthy weight and I will be more able to do the things that He might be calling me to do.  I will feel better about myself and He will be proud of me that I stopped leaning on excuses, and start leaning on him. 

"'For I know that plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord,' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me and I will listen to you. Your will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" Jeremiah 29:11-14. 

 That is me Lord, I am seeking you with all of my heart for my hope and future and I am praying that you will bring me back from this captivity of believing that being overweight is the only way that I can be protected. For I know that You are the one who will protect me, I have nothing to fear or doubt. My hope is in You! 
Amen

Been there, Done That and Loved IT!

I absolutely love OBS (Online Bible Study's). As a girl who is kinda out in the country and without a lot of close personal Christian friends, it is a wonderful way to spend time with people who are searching and studying the Word of God and trying to grow.  

I did the last OBS through Proverbs 31 ministries and it was wonderful. Awesome teachers, great book, great speakers and a group of ladies who commented and encouraged each other all of the way through. 

I learned so much through the "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God" book/bible study this summer.

One important lesson was that I was doing a terrible job of getting into the Word daily. With the OBS I was forced to be in a reflective state of mind at least once a daily when I opened up the email that I got. It is sad to say but it is true. 

That study also taught me a lot about being obedient even in the small things to be able to watch God at work in my life and in the life of those around me. 

I am hopeful that this OBS of Renee Swope's A Confident Heart  will help me have one, because I am not feeling very confident right now. The boys (my 7 and 8 years old guys) are both having behavior issues at school. Ugh!!

Anyway, I know that God can use the upcoming study to help even me!

Took a break!

This past few weeks I have taken a break from blogging. I have been preparing for a spiritual renewal weekend and working on bible studies from church and...and...and. Well I am sure that you know how these things go.  Anyway I thought that it was time to at least say "Hi" since I will be starting a new online bible study on Weds.

Here is the thought for the day: "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

I am rejoicing today because I have been given one more chance do something good for the Lord today. Even though it is now afternoon, the kids are home, the dishes need to be washed and the Laundry needs folding, it is not too late to do something for Him even yet today!

Never give up trying!

In the Meantime

I am at an "In the meantime" period of my life...

One of my former pastor's did a sermon series on "In the meantime", you know, that period of time when you've asked for something to happen over and over and over. You're not getting a "yes" or "no" answer. So your just waiting....

Historically I hate these periods of time. I am an organizer and planner at heart. I love goals!  I am not so rigid in my planning that I don't enjoy spontaneous fun but I like to have an idea of what I am doing. 

During my recent reading of "What Happens When Women Say Yes To God" by Lesa TerKeurst, I discovered started with a question to God and got a definitive answer. Now in truth, it was not the answer I was looking for.  It was a :"continue what you are doing where you are right now" answer.  I was hoping for a new job to fit into my children's school schedule and bring us back to a dual income family.  I got, "continue what you are doing right where I have put you. Serve my people.  

Ok, God...I say trying not to be disappointed by having to once again sort through which bills to pay and not pay this month. 

What I have learned through my former Pastor's sermon series was that in these times you need to seeking God. How...thru prayer and study of His word. The truth is that these years that God is allowing me to stay home and take care of my family, I have time. Time that I never had while I was working full time outside of the home. Time to sit in the presence of his Holy Spirit. Now don't get me wrong, I can't spend my whole day on my favorite chair in meditation. But I have to a choice as to what I do and when I do it. So I don't have to get up at 5:30 in the morning to get in my time with God. 5:30 doesn't seem to work well for me anyway because there are other things that I seem to need to do to get the day started.

These days I can get my kids on the bus at 7:15, get my husband out the door and then sit down at my desk or my black chair in what is becoming my "office". And spend time listening to praise music and reading.  I have often journaled and these days, because I can get so easily distracted, I am also trying to write down prayers in a prayer journal to keep my focus.  

As a young single woman, I met a man that I developed a wonderful friendship with over the years I began to grow in love with him. It seemed though that he was struggling with the idea of commitment. It was during that time that I wrote out 1 Cor 1:4-8 as a plea that my love for him would grow in line with that scripture. I substituted our names. Whether or not our relationship became a marriage, I wanted his friendship and I wanted it to be in line with what God wanted.  

I came across the two page prayer the other day and have since mislaid it but it was a reminder to me that I read that prayer every day for months from that sheet. And you know what......
That man and I have been married now for going on 10 years and have two beautiful sons.  I can't deny God's timing.  He gave me more than I could have ever imagined back then and so many of the dreams that I have had over my lifetime have come true...

In the meantime...I pray, study and wait, in expectation...

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

#I Said Yes

Yes, yes I did!  #I Said Yes to God's calling!

"May all who seek you rejoice in you and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, 'Let God be exalted!'" Psalms 70:4

Twenty years ago I said yes to the knocking on my heart and invited Jesus into my heart. I was excited by the wonderful possibilities that a life with God could bring.  I was expecting that things in my life would turn into gold and become so much easier.  Well..not exactly.

When my life struggles continued to be my life struggles, I worked hard to help the church; I had been so excited I thought if I just did enough outreach and "church stuff", things would change...

The truth is, that my life situations did not change until I started a completely committed relationship with God. That didn't happen until 6 years later.  On a spiritual renewal weekend, I sat in the presence of Jesus for 3 days and it changed my life.  After that experience, I realized that I could no long do the things that I wanted to do for God. I had to do the things that he told me to do, whether or not I wanted to do it made no difference.  It was then that I began serious bible study, took ministry seriously and eventually over the course of the last 14 years began learning to make decisions based on God's word.

During the last 6 weeks, I have been involved in a Proverbs 31 ministry Online Bible Study which has reminded me of things that I have some heart knowledge of, but haven't been practicing in my life daily. Over the last couple of years I haven't been wondering where God has been.

The book is called "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God" authored by Lysa TerKeurst. I highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to God working through them. When my Yes moment came during these six weeks it was amazing.  It was out of the blue and honestly I said"Yes!" without any hesitation because I knew it was what God wanted me to do!

After being a nurse for about 9 years, I wanted to be at home with my boys.  God made a way for me to do that.but has not been easy for our family.  But I know that this is what God is calling me to do for now. A few years ago I began helping our neighbor, who is a widow, by watching her twins after school and during the summer. There are days that I would want to pull my hair out because the children didn't always get along. There are days that I felt like I was doing some good with these kids.

One August afternoon, I received a call from a woman at a local business looking for a babysitter for one of her employees. Through the course of the conversation I could feel God telling me that this was what he was asking me to do.  Would I be willing to take on another child in the afternoon?

There was no hesitation...I said yes!

Now, I have a house full of children including my own two...sometimes it was a bit tense and it is never quiet. But God is giving me the wisdom and strength to get through it and I have no doubt that he will continue to do so. Even on those days I want to pull out my hair.

"It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." Philipipians 2:13

Lower Your Nets

So today I am thinking about the story from the New Testament story in John 5:1-11 where Jesus provides a miraculous catch of fish.  Jesus told Peter to lower his nets in the sea even though they had  already been out the night before and returned empty handed.
I had not been thinking much about the possible importance of this story in my life until this week.  The story appeared to me three times in recent days. It was the subject of my husbands sermon a few days  ago, it was in a devotional this week and it was featured in this weeks chapter for the "What Happens when Women say Yes to God!" Study I am in.
So I thought as I realized it was a three peat, what is it that God is trying to tell me?
One of the things that I have been struggling with for a while is disappointment in my ministry.  Sometimes it seems as if I have been out all night on the fishing boat and I am coming up empty handed. Granted, sometimes that means that I was doing things all wrong...but in this instance I don't believe so. I think that God is reminding me that no matter what happens I need to continue to lower my net because I will never know when the catch will be one that exceeds my expectation. Continue my work in my church even when return from a long time of fishing without catching anything. I need to continue to lower my net. What about you, where do you think God is calling you to continue to lower your net even thou you don't seem to be catching anything at the moment?

Listening to the right voice

You know how sometimes in your head there are competing voices that tell you how stupid you are, what you did was wrong. Do you ever listen to that voice?
I do.
Over the years I have learned to be better about not listening to that voice of lies. However there are sometimes that I still allow the voice of truth to be drowned out by the voice of lies.

Last night was one of those times. I was at a meeting and gave an opinion that was not well received.  I get frustrated often because in this organization I have many years of experience in service in all levels of the organization.  I often fine that I am frequently disregarded  in most groups of people. It doesn't really matter the context whether it is professional, friends, family or in ministry.  I have never been able to figure out why people don't seem to think what I have to say is worth a grain of salt.

Now perhaps this is just my perception because of years of being weighed down by a rough childhood. Perhaps it is because I told my mother something once that she choose to disregard and I destroyed the innocence in our relationship.  What ever the reason...this is what I feel. And it is one of the reasons why I blog. It is the reason that I write...with a pen and paper at least my journal hears my hearts cry.

This is one of the ways that the enemy likes to pull me down and knock me out of the fight.Satan tells me that I am stupid for speaking up the way I did, that no one thinks I am anything but a stupid girl with a stupid idea. No one appreciated the years of blood, sweat and tears that I have put into this program and never will.
But, the truth is that God hears my cries, my opinion, my heart. I was also reminded this morning of another truth...
"..We were not put here to be all about about ourselves-we were put here to be all about God." (What happens when Women Say Yes to God by Lysa Terkeurst)

It is not about me...it is not about me....the words that I speak don't matter if my life is not a reflection of the love of Jesus.
So.....I am choosing not to allow the feelings of rejection to penetrate my thoughts any longer. I am choosing to forgive those people who had no idea they hurt my feelings and I am holding to the truth that I am a loved an cherish child of God. I matter not because of who I am but because of who He is.

Today is a new day.."Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Cor 5:17
Today I matter to the only one that really matters!

5 question filter

So remaining, for the moment, consistent to the #YesToGod Blog Hop- Today I am blogging about my recent experience with the 5 question filter from Lisa TerKeurst's book "What Happens when Women say say Yes to God!"

For those of you who are not familiar with the 5 question filter it is a way to test if what you are hearing is from God. The 5 questions to ask are:
1. Does what I'm hearing line up with scripture?
2.Is it consistant with God's Character?
3. Is it being confirmed through messages I'm hearing at church or studying in my quiet time?
4. Is it beyond me?
5. Would it please God?

I have been trying to decide what it is that God wants me to do regarding finding a full or part time job outside the home.  I have been a stay at home mother for three years, before that I worked full time in various nursing positions as an RN.  Our decision for my staying at home was because I was working to pay for Daycare and Health Insurance. I was not putting an of my salary towards our living expenses or bills. Also our then 3 year old had just been diagnosed with autism making finding appropriate daycare much more difficult in our small town.

Then Tues morning I received a call that required me to say #Yes to God.  A woman called after talking to my husband. They had discussed someone she knew who needed a place for her child to go after school in the same town that we live.  Now I have for the last couple of years taken in a neighbors couple of kids after school to help their mom out. I had never planned to watch other peoples children. I sometimes struggle to maintain a good attitude when I deal with 4 children at home for a few hours in the afternoon.  Adding another child to the mix would not be something that I normally would consider.

However from the moment that I got on the phone with the young mother struggling to make sure her child had somewhere to go while she works, I knew.  This was God's way of telling me that I was doing exactly what he wants me to do right now.

I took in my neighbors children to help her, a widow who suddenly lost her daycare the first school year I was a stay at home mom. This new young mom is a single mom who can't afford the after school program in our district. God is calling me to serve him by serving the widow, single mom and children.  They are His!
-Does this line up with scripture?  Yes James 1:27 - "Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless to look after orphans and widows in their distress."
-Is it consistant with God's character? Yes-Jesus did not come to be served but to serve.
-Is it being confirmed through messages I'm hearing other places?  I have been praying that God would show me what I should go and then this call comes in....Our #YestoGod study has been talking about radical obedience!
-Is it beyond me? Yes- I can not take care of 3 children besides my own two without God being with me! (Even for just a couple of hours a day!!)
-Would it please God? I think so..He has placed in me the heart of a servant. Matthew 22:37-39-Jesus tells us to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it:'Love your neighbor as yourself."

I feel God's peace in my heart that this is the what he is calling me to and he will pull me through.

This will not help our families financial struggle but I trust that God will continue to provide for our needs and that if I am faithful with what He entrusts me with, the rest will work out.

With all My Heart

Deuteronomy 6:5 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."

This is the verse that I have been focusing on this week through the online bible study that I am doing with Proverbs 31 ministries. It is based on the book by What Happens When Women Say Yes to God." by Lysa Terkeurest.

When I broke down the scripture I realized that I had a lot to learn about loving my Lord. What does it mean to love God with all my heart, soul and strength.

First, what is love? What does that mean?
Webster's Dictionary defines love as "warm attachment, enthusiasm, devotion, unselfish loyalty and benevolent (marked by or disposed to doing good) concern of another person." It also defines love as "a person's adoration of God"

Ok, so just to love God I need to be attached to Him, enthusiastic about Him, devoted to Him, give Him my unselfish loyalty and do good for Him along with my adoration.

So does anybody else feel that they are falling short on loving God?

Now we move on to how we are to love him...

1. with all your heart- so me being me, I decided to look up heart in Websters. Here is what I found...heart is defined as:
- emotional or moral as distinguished from intellectual nature
-ones innermost character, feelings or inclinations
-the central or innermost part of the essential (most vital part of something)

So to love God with my heart I have to be attached to, be enthusiastic about, devoted to, be unselfishly loyal to, using my emotional nature, the innermost vital part of myself, to adore my Lord. And use that heart to do good for Him.

2. with all my soul - Websters says a soul is:
-immaterial (not consisting of matter) essence
-a person's total self
-an active or essential part
-the moral or emotional nature of human beings
-spiritual or moral force

So to love God with my soul I have to be attached to, be enthusiastic about, devoted to, be unselfishly loyal to, using my immaterial, total, active, essential part of myself,  my emotional nature to be a spirtual or emotional force for my Lord.

3. with all my strength -  Websters says strength is: -
-the quality or state of being stong (capacity for exertion or endurance)
-power to resist force (solidarity; toughness)
-power of resisting attack

So to love God with my strength  I have to be attached to, be enthusiastic about, be devoted to, be unselfishly loyal to, exerting myself solidly in my faith with toughness to resist attacks of Satan in this world for my Lord.

Alrighty then.......so...
So to love God with my heart , soul and strength, I need to enthusiastically attach myself to Him. I need to be devoted to and unselfishly loyal to Him. By using my emotions, the most  vital part of who I am, to adore my Lord. As well as to be a spiritual and physical force for Him iu the world. Doing good and exerting myself solidly in my faith, with a toughness to resist the attacks of Satan in this world.

Wow! That is all from webster's dictionary.

Once again I am reminded that we are called by God to love Him with all of ourselves. In turn we are called to surrender ourselves, all of ourselves for Him. . My NIV study Bible puts it this way, "Primarily in view here is the love shown by a subject to a king. To love King Yahweh is to be his loyal and obedient servant. Love for God and neighbor is built on the love that the Lord has for his people and on his identification with them."

I am reminded of Rick Warren's book Purpose Driven Life . The first four words "It's not about you"

Now that I know how I am suppose to strive to love God with my heart, soul and strength. I can use that

to say #YestoGod in all that he asks!  I am just grateful that he sent Jesus to cover me in His grace!

Yes to God!

Today I am beginning a new chapter of my life.

The children will be heading back to school and I am starting to think about what I want to do with my life this school year.
Cleaning and Organizing the house is one thing that I have to do over the next few months.  However, today the question that I am facing is....What is it that God wants me to do with the next 9 months of my life?

I am a planner, organizer (although if you came into the house this summer you might not believe it) and I love goals.  In the more than 15 years that I was in the work force full time, I learned that I am most productive towards the end of a dateline.  I also learned that I need accountability in order to maintain my productivity.

These days I am a stay at home mom (I am sorry if that is not politically correct but you will find that I am not very politically correct). As such I am still struggling after 3 years at home with three things:

• My weight
• Organizing my house and keeping it clean
• Finally figuring out what God wants me to use this time of my life for

When my husband became the Pastor at the small American Baptist Church that we serve now, we came here with a 18 mo and 3 year old. After 2 years in the work force, I realized that God was calling me to be home for my family. Since then our younger son was diagnosed with Autism Spectum Disorder. Know I understand why I was called to be at home but as we continue to struggle financially, I struggle with my decision to stay at home.

So, I am starting a new chapter beginning today....

  by starting the Proverbs 31 ministries online bible study on Lisa TerKeurst's Book:  "What Happens when Women Say Yes to God!"

 I will use this blog as I explore this study to share my thoughts and insights from the unique perspective of being a pastor's wife...and searching for where God is trying to tell me about my ministry field.